“So, what’s your ideal type?”

“Someone who makes me laugh—just by their presence.” 

“But you’re always so bubbly around everyone.” 

Last week, three people described me as “bubbly,” defined as full of cheerful high spirits. Anyone who meets me for the first time would definitely notice how (oddly) often I laugh. Cracking up because of a friend’s hilarious joke, I passed by one of my teachers who imitated my giggle and two other classmates who stated, “I knew it was you.” From a certain point, I’ve built a reputation as an approachable senior with a unique laughter. Due to the reason that I cannot contain myself from gossiping with others, I naturally find myself leaning on a friend’s shoulder or joining a conversation among underclassmen. 

Reading an article based on a psychological experiment, I learned laughing not only perked my own mood, but also my surrounding environment. Another article informed me that the more you laugh, the healthier you become. I still have no idea if either of those articles speak the truth; however, for some unknown reason, I was convinced. Whenever a friend of mine appeared heavy-hearted, I was always willing to share an embarrassing story or two—though at times, these stories were from my pure imagination. If the idle talk uplifted him/her, I only desired to see a brighter smile, or even a chuckle. 

Yet recently, a sudden concern sparked my interest: Is this the reason no one takes me seriously? Rarely anyone spots my dark side, especially in the public. I never wanted to be the one who pulled the whole group down. On the other hand, when alone, a feeling of anxiety creeps on me. Overanalyzing the events that occurred on each day, I fret that my actions may have discouraged others. I’m afraid that others don’t recognize the deep side of me—as an individual, not a “bubbly” friend living without any particular purpose. 

After struggling to fight all the personal issues alone, I ultimately managed to open up to a few others who were willing to listen. When I mentioned the depression I experienced all alone, they merely nodded in return. Speaking up about my dreams of self-destruction and impulse to take pills, two of my friends showed some sympathy. The rest? I could find their eyes glancing around, clearly tired of listening. Many of them evidently did not believe me. Even worse, it seems as though several people have been taking me for granted. I’m exhausted. Attempting to avoid giving this impression, I tend to share my thoughts and appreciation through letters. Despite these efforts, sometimes, all I receive in return is an excuse to cancel an appointment.

During my leisure time, I began to wonder whether these people expected me to remain “bubbly” even at these instances. If they imagined me smiling at a cancellation of a promised meeting. If they assumed that I wouldn’t be distressed for wasting my emotions and my time. If they ever valued me as an individual—at the least. If they figured that I am not someone they can send for and off whenever they needed me. If they realized that the more “bubbly” a person is, the easier they are wounded by words. 

I’ve heard some adults label me as a “해피 바이러스 (happy virus)”—a Korean term equivalent to bubbly. This expression implies that I play the role for encouraging a group or team. My instincts inevitably tell me to feel grateful for such magnified compliments that I don’t deserve. Even so, this reaction is temporary. Sometimes, I hate the fact that I am perceived as a typical “bubbly” girl. To me, this description comes across as a synonym for a manic pixie dream girl. Unlike the “bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures,” I own a personal story. I’m not Claire Colburn in Elizabethtown; I’m not Belle in Beauty and the Beast; I’m not Summer in 500 Days of Summer. Hence, I hope more people come to understand that my “bubbly” trait does not entitle them to envision me as a girl who will accept and comply with all of their requests. 

I’m not just your “bubbly” buddy.